With every performance comes a circus full of untamed monkeys and a tiger with anger issues. Performance anxiety and post-production depression is a thing! As an independent artist (and musician), organizing shows and exhibitions are fucking exhausting. Nonetheless, I have found that being a performer is the most effective tool for self-actualization. For me, at least.

For a performance to realize, it takes hours of rehearsal, self-doubt, and procrastination. Not even to mention nightmares about disastrous shows caused by performance anxiety, copious amounts of Bach’s Rock Rose remedy to manage stage fright followed by emptiness and depression. However, that brief moment on stage is golden! After a few deep breaths and several shaky notes, everything makes sense again. I feel a sense of purpose, connection and a flow of energy between me and the audience that can only be described with one word, i.e. otherworldly.

With this being said, I learn something new about myself with every milestone I reach. Taking an idea and following it through until the end (or deciding not to follow it through) is an opportunity to grow. Following your dreams no matter how bizarre they might be, going against popular demand, and pushing yourself beyond your limits and beliefs are a means to go deeper within yourself, understanding what it means to be human and what your purpose is.

I’ve learned that “going with the flow” doesn’t mean rainbows and sunshine. It means flowing with the natural rhythm of the universe. What goes up must come down. The deeper the roots go, the higher the tree grows. It is impossible to keep grinding and pushing upward towards our perceived ideas of success without falling back down flat on our backs. Going with the flow means to accept that expansion comes with retraction.

As an artist and performer, I’ve learned to hold space for the fears and anxieties that come with every decision and action I need to take to move forward. The fears that keep us from moving forward are there to teach us something about ourselves. It takes vulnerability and courage to move through them. I’ve learned to slow down after every performance and accomplishment to reflect and most importantly, to integrate what I have learned.

I’ve learned to hold space for exhaustion, emptiness, and fears after every performance. I take time for self-care, my home and the “mundane adult-things” in life as well as my loved ones as those are the people and things supporting me on my journey to self-actualization. I’ve also come to terms with my own distorted ideas about what it means to be successful.

The reason I’ve written this blog post is to give you a message. My message to you is: you are OK! You are exactly where you need to be. We don’t need to keep grinding ourselves to accomplish our goals to prove our worthiness. Instead of asking yourself: “Am I doing okay?”, rather ask: “What do I need to do in order to be the best me and serve humanity?”